Pain radiated throughout my veins. A current so sharp, I couldn’t feel it anymore. Numb. As if my body has undergone anesthesia. I was walking away from the deepest desire my heart had ached for. The dream of walking down the aisle to a man I chose to love and who chose to love me. The dream of having a teammate in this thing called life, someone to adventure with and go out into the world with all for the name of Jesus .
Then, a collision of my worst-case scenarios happened. It all happened about as fast as it took for the rug to be pulled out from underneath me.
Everything had ended. Each time my glove met the sand filled bag, I remembered everything had ended. I could hear the accusations all over again in my mind.
“You didn’t fight hard enough for us.”
“You fought, but it ended. It wasn't good enough."
"You gave up and walked away from it all.”
My mind shut off.
I sat in my driveway with the phone on speaker, needing my hands to dry my cheeks. I think she could tell the tears streaming down my face were drowning my words, making it difficult for me to speak. But she had hit the nail on the head. This woman had been in my life for years and she knew me well. She is gifted in discernment and kind in practice. She authoritatively said to me:
“Be gentle with yourself.”
That’s when the dam of tears broke, there had already been a stream of salty drops, but the dam broke.
A breathless fear filled my lungs. My feet swiftly trekked on while my mind chose to not think of what could have lurked beyond the dark wild. A protective bear or towering moose could have easily been watching my every move, awaiting their moment. Thankfully, if they were, they refrained the temptation.
Pain radiated throughout my veins. A current so sharp, I couldn’t feel it anymore. Numb. As if my body has undergone anesthesia. I was walking away from the deepest desire my heart had ached for. The dream of walking down the aisle to a man I chose to love and who chose to love me. The dream of having a teammate in this thing called life, someone to adventure with and go out into the world with all for the name of Jesus .
Then, a collision of my worst-case scenarios happened. It all happened about as fast as it took for the rug to be pulled out from underneath me.
Paralyzed with fear, I did not want to go to the dinner party. I blamed it on my introvert self, but I knew there was a deeper reason. I just didn’t know what. Researching for another project on shame and forgiveness, the real reason hit me as hard as if I was traveling 100mph and hit a brick wall. Shocked with tears, I realized it was shame. Shame was holding me back and beckoning me into isolation.
Going through and becoming free of a psychologically and verbally abusive relationship, I was embarrassed. From the outside, it would seem, what would I have to be embarrassed of? But inwardly, I was humiliated of what I had been through. What would the people I meet there think if they knew? Would they think differently of me? Shame wanted me to hide.
“Is there anything you regret? Anything I should know about ahead of time, so, maybe I can avoid the regret?”
This question was harder to answer. I sat across from her and then my eyes opened. I woke from the dreamlike state and stared at the ceiling. Remembering the dream I had- telling my younger self what to expect in the next 10 years. Answering her first question, "Are You Married Yet?"
How would I answer this question to my younger self walking into her 20’s? I wondered if I did regret anything.
“You’re so dumb.”
It was said in laughter and sarcasm, but what she didn’t know was she had struck a wound. A wound I have tried to silence for most of my life, but she just strummed the chord loud and clear. Not feeling smart enough is a battle I’ve fought over and over, but throughout the last year I had begun to see I was winning the war over it.
Now, all of a sudden, I was bombarded by a surprise attack on an almost sealed wound.
I sat in my driveway with the phone on speaker, needing my hands to dry my cheeks. I think she could tell the tears streaming down my face were drowning my words, making it difficult for me to speak. But she had hit the nail on the head. This woman had been in my life for years and she knew me well. She is gifted in discernment and kind in practice. She authoritatively said to me:
“Be gentle with yourself.”
That’s when the dam of tears broke, there had already been a stream of salty drops, but the dam broke.
The world has always been filled with pain, but lately it has seemed the world, and our country, is robed in it. Our country waking up each morning with the sun, draping itself with painful events and pain filled hearts.
I’m no expert on the matter of recent events and I don’t really know what to say half of the time, but my heart breaks.
I can’t believe it’s over. After all this time of planning. Mountain highs and valley lows. It was everything I had hoped for and more. Beauty surrounded me at every turn, wonder restored at every outlook, and love experienced with each deep breath.
My heart ached as I walked down the corridor. Memories flashing through my mind like reels from a movie, words replayed like a favorite song on repeat, longing to go back to moments memories just can’t do justice. Sometimes none of it seems real. You wonder if it actually happened the way your memories remember.
