Cara Bowen
choosing love

Pain radiated throughout my veins. A current so sharp, I couldn’t feel it anymore. Numb. As if my body has undergone anesthesia. I was walking away from the deepest desire my heart had ached for. The dream of walking down the aisle to a man I chose to love and who chose to love me. The dream of having a teammate in this thing called life, someone to adventure with and go out into the world with all for the name of Jesus .

Then, a collision of my worst-case scenarios happened. It all happened about as fast as it took for the rug to be pulled out from underneath me. 

choosing love
Cara Bowen
we're fighting for something

Everything had ended. Each time my glove met the sand filled bag, I remembered everything had ended. I could hear the accusations all over again in my mind.

“You didn’t fight hard enough for us.”

“You fought, but it ended. It wasn't good enough."

"You gave up and walked away from it all.”

My mind shut off.

we're fighting for something
Cara Bowen
be gentle with yourself

I sat in my driveway with the phone on speaker, needing my hands to dry my cheeks. I think she could tell the tears streaming down my face were drowning my words, making it difficult for me to speak. But she had hit the nail on the head. This woman had been in my life for years and she knew me well. She is gifted in discernment and kind in practice. She authoritatively said to me:

“Be gentle with yourself.”

That’s when the dam of tears broke, there had already been a stream of salty drops, but the dam broke.

be gentle with yourself

healing

choosing love

choosing love

Pain radiated throughout my veins. A current so sharp, I couldn’t feel it anymore. Numb. As if my body has undergone anesthesia. I was walking away from the deepest desire my heart had ached for. The dream of walking down the aisle to a man I chose to love and who chose to love me. The dream of having a teammate in this thing called life, someone to adventure with and go out into the world with all for the name of Jesus .

Then, a collision of my worst-case scenarios happened. It all happened about as fast as it took for the rug to be pulled out from underneath me. 

honesty is truth

honesty is truth

Paralyzed with fear, I did not want to go to the dinner party. I blamed it on my introvert self, but I knew there was a deeper reason. I just didn’t know what. Researching for another project on shame and forgiveness, the real reason hit me as hard as if I was traveling 100mph and hit a brick wall. Shocked with tears, I realized it was shame. Shame was holding me back and beckoning me into isolation.

Going through and becoming free of a psychologically and verbally abusive relationship, I was embarrassed. From the outside, it would seem, what would I have to be embarrassed of? But inwardly, I was humiliated of what I had been through. What would the people I meet there think if they knew? Would they think differently of me? Shame wanted me to hide.

hide and seek

hide and seek

“You’re so dumb.”

It was said in laughter and sarcasm, but what she didn’t know was she had struck a wound. A wound I have tried to silence for most of my life, but she just strummed the chord loud and clear. Not feeling smart enough is a battle I’ve fought over and over, but throughout the last year I had begun to see I was winning the war over it.

Now, all of a sudden, I was bombarded by a surprise attack on an almost sealed wound.

hurting with hope

hurting with hope

I couldn’t take my eyes off of the crystal clear water. The way it glistened back at me, in some ways, I felt seen. I felt understood. The sunlight bounced off the white foamed waves and warmed my soul. It reflected pieces of me that have been burned like wood and ember. Wounded by words and weapons aiming to crush and destroy. But they haven’t.

The Mexican water seemed to understand the depth of my pain. Like it did see me, like it was saying, “me too” with each sway and crash onto the coarse rock below. The resilience of the emerald movements moved my heart in hope.

be gentle with yourself

be gentle with yourself

I sat in my driveway with the phone on speaker, needing my hands to dry my cheeks. I think she could tell the tears streaming down my face were drowning my words, making it difficult for me to speak. But she had hit the nail on the head. This woman had been in my life for years and she knew me well. She is gifted in discernment and kind in practice. She authoritatively said to me:

“Be gentle with yourself.”

That’s when the dam of tears broke, there had already been a stream of salty drops, but the dam broke.

lately on the gram…

View fullsize the road may seem long, but it is leading you to something more. #keephoping #keepgoing
View fullsize One of the largest north faces in the Alps sits in the background of this tiny Swiss mountain town, Grindelwald. Whenever I travel to towns like this, sitting amidst breathtaking beauty & notable summits, I can't help but wonder: do the townspeop
View fullsize rooftops & cityscapes. looking forward & looking back to this picture @garrett_lobaugh took that makes me look like I chopped off my hair #butiwouldnever #tbt
View fullsize She once believed she was meant for bondage, but now she sees she was made for freedom. ✨
View fullsize Not only was 8.10 the greatest dance party of 2019, but it was the day I was honored to stand by @kaylaeiford’s side & watch another story written by God unfold, as she married @hayes_eiford ... it‘s easy to celebrate you two! Any day
View fullsize my family came to my side of the south for my cousin’s wedding. I broke out of my neutral color scheme for it. it was a wild weekend 🕺🏼👨‍👩‍👧🧡💁🏼‍♀️ • • • #thegirls #nephew #sibs #fatherdaughter #family #familyl

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