Pain radiated throughout my veins. A current so sharp, I couldn’t feel it anymore. Numb. As if my body has undergone anesthesia. I was walking away from the deepest desire my heart had ached for. The dream of walking down the aisle to a man I chose to love and who chose to love me. The dream of having a teammate in this thing called life, someone to adventure with and go out into the world with, all for the name of Jesus .
Then, a collision of my worst-case scenarios happened. It all happened about as fast as it took for the rug to be pulled out from underneath me. And everything started to be clear. I wasn’t supposed to say, "I do" to a lifetime with this man and I was suppose to run as fast and far from him as possible. Nothing was as it seemed and God was lifting the veil, showing me the truth surrounding me. An unbearable truth, but a truth that set me free nonetheless.
A long time ago, I decided to say yes to whatever Jesus wills for my life, whatever it may be. Even if a yes to Jesus meant walking away from saying I do to a man I had loved. I chose Jesus’ love over the other. And it was a painful and agonizing choice to make.
Walking away felt like I was walking away from every dream I had ever dreamt. Yes, I was walking towards Jesus and exactly what He wanted for my life. But it didn't eclipse the pain. What about what I wanted for me life? Absolute fear shadowed obedience, allying as one, fear and obedience. I doubted why God allowed it all to go down the way it had. Why God had even allowed me to invest years of my life into something he would eventually say no to, eventually ask me to walk away from. I’m loyal to a fault, but I had to remember in spite of paralyzing pain, since long ago, where my loyalty first stands. In a lot of ways, doubt became part of my survival.
I doubted God with God. The more I doubt God with God, the less I doubt Him. The less I doubted His love.
Because He was in it with me. The trenches. As the war raged on, as each arrow flew past me, grazing my fatigued body, God fought it for me. I allowed him to. It was the hardest thing God has ever asked me to do. To walk away from a dream I had always dreamt. To lay down my own and pick up God's dream. Not entirely sure of what that even was at the time. Praying each night, as I dreaded another day, "I don't know how to trust you with this. So, please help me." My prayer of desperation became my battle cry. The prayer that fought for me and lifted my weary head to see the goodness of God.
One of the hardest pills to swallow was God led me into it. Open handed and surrendered, He led me into the unavoidable pain filled relationship. As a result, I’ve wrestled with God more through this process than any other time in my life. Wrestling with why He allowed this story to be my story. Why did God entrust me with a story filled with heartache, betrayal & loss. What I’ve come to is I may never know why on this side of heaven. And I could spend my life fighting to know why or fighting to know love. To know who Jesus is rather than why Jesus allowed or did whatever it is He did. I realized the dark nights of the soul God allowed me to go through was one of the most loving acts I've witnessed Him do in my life.
Because love doesn't leave you there, in it. Love doesn't sacrifice what's best for pain-free living.
God rescued me out of what had turned into a nightmare. He produced something deeper & beautiful within me that cannot be replaced. He strengthened me through it, to come out the other side of it. I've heard the voice of God louder than ever before & I've seen His hand part the waters to freedom; He parted the dark waters to His glorious light. He may have led me into it, but he led me out victorious.
The thing is when you've loved and lost or gone through your worst-case scenario with God and come out on the other side, not just alive, but stronger, wiser, better than before the storm hit- you change because it changed everything. The storm uprooted it all, including your heart and soul. Everything was taken out from where it was and what stood was the truth. The truth in the storm withstood the darkness of the storm. What was true of God and myself, stood. My worst-case scenario, in a lot of ways, became the scenario that saved me. I was rescued and in turn was brought back to life. My dreams, my hopes, my self... it was all brought back to life. Maybe we should stop fearing our worst-case scenarios and start embracing their possibility. The possibility that the worst can bring out your best. The possibility that there is sun on the other side of the shadows of the worst. The possibility that we could never have the best if it wasn't for the worst, or maybe we couldn't have appreciated the best if we hadn't brushed shoulders with the worst.
It takes an immense amount of courage to dive head first into your worst-case scenario when it rears its ugly head. Courage to accept things as they are. Courage to mourn it entirely. To mourn what you had hoped for, longed for, felt so close to having, yet watching it slip through your fingertips as if you had any control or grip on it in the first place.
Courage is taking things as they are, and giving them to God, allowing Him to make something beautiful out of it. It's not easy. It can be down right dreadful at times. Courage comes with a cost and so does love. Even the courage to accept the brilliance that is inside of you. Waiting to be exposed for the world to know.
We are so much stronger than we give ourselves credit for. We just need to believe we’re worth it. We are worth the fight. We are worth fighting for ourselves and allowing love to fight for us.
“Occasionally weep deeply over the life you hoped would be. Grieve the losses. Then wash your face. Trust God. And embrace the life you have.” –John Piper
Fight to choose freedom, instead of fear. Fight to choose love, to choose trust if we want to live a life filled with grandeur. I have to choose to trust love in spite of the fact that the last 3 years, circumstances and life has told me… I just can't. But since the dawn of time God has said there's no better thing than love. I believe God is love. The only love I know to trust is God. And when I trust that love, all other love makes sense.
God hasn’t given me my dream, yet. My dream of a marriage and family full of selfless love going out into the world for the sake of Jesus' name. But now I know, on this side of choosing love, when I chose to not marry him, I wasn’t walking away from my dream or love, I was continuing to walk toward it. You see, I didn't know it in the moment, but God was graciously taking me out of what would have killed my dream and marrying him would have done just that. Saying yes to God was in truth saying yes to my dream, even when it resembled the antithesis. Choosing to lay it all down, allowing it all to die right before my eyes, paved a way for me to watch God resurrect a dream and hope of love into something so much greater. If I had listened to fear, I would have lost my dreams, myself, and who knows what else, forever.
When I was swimming in a sea of pain, I had no idea I was actually swimming in a sea of love carrying me to hopes and dreams. Hopes and dreams far greater than I could have thought possible.
The sun does produce life, but so does the rain. Let us walk hand in hand with both. Maybe then, we’ll have the greatest chance of living a full life that we have always dreamt of living.
