“You’re so dumb.”
It was said in laughter and sarcasm, but what she didn’t know was she had struck a wound. A wound I have tried to silence for most of my life, but she just strummed the chord loud and clear. Not feeling smart enough is a battle I’ve fought over and over, but throughout the last year I had begun to see I was winning the war over it.
Now, all of a sudden, I was bombarded by a surprise attack on an almost sealed wound. She had no idea and I didn’t let it show. I laughed it off and played along. Even through the laughter and her saying she was kidding, the words stung. And the words stuck. For days, the words would come back up in my mind and I would tell myself: “Oh she was just kidding, that shouldn’t hurt my feelings. She didn’t mean it and I know it isn’t true.” Then finally, I realized I was hiding. I was invalidating my feelings and hiding from my emotions.
I've always thought hiding was wrong. But what I've come to find is hiding in and of itself isn't wrong or unhealthy.
Sometimes hiding is one of the wisest things we can do for ourselves. When people shoot arrows of accusations immersed in lies, when people aim to bring you down with their own sinking ship, when people keep you from becoming the best version of yourself, or use and abuse your emotions or body... protecting your heart, mind and soul is needed and wise.
Looking back, I wish I had protected myself more from certain people or relationships. But the most damaging and dangerous… is hiding from ourselves.
We suppress our feelings and over look our pain. Our enemy is really good at making us feel wrong in how we feel. When he is successful, we put up boundaries. Boundaries separating us from other people and God. We then hide from ourselves, invalidating how we feel, rather than facing our true feelings.
We pretend. Telling ourselves we don’t care, when we do. We actually care a lot about where we eat dinner, whether we were invited or not, or not being given the respect we deserve.
The pain so deep, it's almost numbing.
We hide behind the picture we wish was true of ourselves. We wish our hearts weren't still broken over the relationship, so we hide behind being over it, quickly moving on to the next relationship. We wish we didn't feel insecure, so we hide behind a picture of cutting others down. We wish we didn't hurt over the disappointment of how life has turned out, so we hide behind gossiping about other people’s lives. We wish we weren't sad, so we drown ourselves in doing more and staying busy.
We play hide and seek with ourselves.
Desiring to be sought, but hiding because of the chance we will be found. The chance that the ugly emotions will be found out and we'll be left. Alone. We convince ourselves we'd rather not risk the pain. Deep inside of us, where our true self rests, we know we're worth being found, worth the risk, worth coming out of hiding from ourselves. But there’s too many wounds, lies we've bought into. We’ve lived too many stories that have told the little girl inside of you, that she'll never be found and she's not worth seeking.
I was hiding from myself, when I tried to convince myself it was ok and the girls’ words didn’t hurt because in my head I knew she was kidding. Coming out of hiding is acknowledging what you’re feeling. Acknowledging your feelings are hurt, your heart is still broken, not getting the job disappointed you, you are sad you were not invited... And that's ok.
Our feelings are not always true, but our feelings are very real.
Hiding from our emotions doesn't make them any less real. They'll eventually rear its head and come out from underneath the surface. The hidden emotions will come out through blame, anger, unforgiveness, performance, bitterness and shame.
There is a healthy way to hide.
When I realized I was hiding from being hurt over the girl's words, I prayed, “God that kinda hurt. No that actually really did hurt. I know she came back around saying she was kidding,I know it was not meant to hurt or meant to be mean, but the words still hurt. Help me to not let the words stay in my mind. Help me to not let the lie that I am dumb sit there. Heal the wound over again.”
It didn’t go away in that moment, but the sting lessened. The pain subsided and the truth of who I am came through. I stepped out of hiding and hid in God. Revealing it, opened it up to his healing balm. When I was acting like it wasn’t there, He couldn't heal it.
We will be tempted to hide from God or to hide your feelings toward God. Maybe you're hurt by God because he allowed someone you love to pass, or the relationship didn't go as planned or for not making us a certain way. Coming out of hiding and hiding in God is one of the most freeing and powerful decisions you can make for your heart and future.
Your anger, hurt, sadness, disappointment, depression... God knows it's there, you might as well tell him. He can coat the ugliest emotions with the most beautiful grace. You are already found, and he is already seeking you. And when you tell him what's going on inside of you, completely willing to risk the pain of healing while hiding in him, you'll truly experience love. Being loved by God, enables you to love him, others and yourself.
And you are worth having that love. Being loved and loving well starts with coming out of hiding from yourself and hiding yourself in God.
