Paralyzed with fear, I did not want to go to the dinner party. I blamed it on my introvert self, but I knew there was a deeper reason. I just didn’t know what. Researching for another project on shame and forgiveness, the real reason hit me as hard as if I was traveling 100mph and hit a brick wall. Shocked with tears, I realized it was shame. Shame was holding me back and beckoning me into isolation.
Going through and becoming free of a psychologically and verbally abusive relationship, I was embarrassed. From the outside, it would seem, what would I have to be embarrassed of? But inwardly, I was humiliated of what I had been through. What would the people I meet there think if they knew? Would they think differently of me? Shame wanted me to hide.
Growing up, I was rarely chosen. I was not the pretty girl, the “it” girl, the girl to be or the girl to date. At least, that’s how I saw myself. I didn’t see myself as chosen, pretty, the girl to be or the girl to date. Whether it was true or not, it was my reality. And I walked in that reality for years. Even now, I have to fight to not put a foot back in that old normal.
We each hold great capacity for darkness and even greater capacity for light.
Darkness is our shame, secrets, and insecurity. The things hidden we hope no one ever finds out about, the brokenness and fears. We all have these shadows. The longer they stay hidden, the bigger they become and the stronger they become.
Every decision we make comes out of the shadows or light within us. We can lean on the dark or the light.
Do we choose to date this guy or isolate ourselves because we believe a lie our past has told us? Some lie our wounds have plagued our identity with- we don’t deserve goodness, we’ll never have a happily ever after, or I’ll only be looked at for my body and never my soul. We can hold onto these lies so much so they become our security, they become our truth. Then, we find ourselves saying yes to something we didn’t want in the first place because, in spite of our past, we think that's all we'll ever get. And we may not even realize it.
Is this what I really want?
It was a simple question I started to ask myself. Not is this what I deserve, not is this what I am worth, and not is this good for me. On our darkest days, the answer to those questions can vary. But even on the worst of days, I know what I want. I know I want to be pursued, to be treated with respect, to be loved with humility and honesty. Maybe I don’t always feel like I deserve it, but I know it’s what I want. And the more I become honest with myself, the more I began to believe I deserved it and the more I began to believe God wanted it for me too.
Honesty is truth.
We must face the truth of how we are feeling. Shame keeps us imprisoned in the past, in the lies. It’s a difficult emotion to name, to recognize. It makes us want to hide, disconnect from the world and ourselves. It convinces us we aren’t worthy of belonging in the community, family, world and even a relationship with God.
Shame hides. Truth does not. Shame conceals. Truth reveals. Truth sheds light on the bleakest of souls and darkest of nights.
Shame will never heal, only hide. Truth will never hide, only heal.
Shame will tell us if they only knew, they will think less of me. If I never mention what happened again, ignore it, it will heal. It’s your fault because of who you are; you’re not worthy of good. Shame can also keep us from telling God what hurts deep inside of us, what we’re thinking about the situation, the other person, ourselves and even God. When we share what is within us with one other person, we begin to create a new meaning out of a painful past.
“When we forgive ourselves, we let go of that identity. It can be frightening to discover the vast beauty of who we really are. There can be a strange comfort within the discomfort of perpetual self-blame and self-punishment. Any profound change can be disconcerting.” –Desmond Tutu
The road to honesty with self, healing of your soul and loving who you are may begin with forgiving yourself. It may be for something we have done or haven’t done. Self-forgiveness does not mean you were wrong, sometimes you didn’t know any better. But when we perceive what happened as our own fault in light of unforgiveness, we’re blaming ourselves and we’re inflicting hurt onto ourselves. When someone hurts us, to be free, whole and heal forward, we must forgive. Even if that person is ourselves. Desmond says, “Self-forgiveness is true self-acceptance.” If you hate yourself for something you did or even something you didn’t do but allowed, self-hatred sets in and the antidote for the self-hatred poison is forgiveness.
Self-forgiveness, or the lack thereof, was holding me back from going to the dinner party to meet new friends and enjoy a night out. No one would ask or know what I had been through, but I knew and that was bad enough in my mind. No one is perfect, but what was done to me was not my fault, but it felt like it because I allowed it. I didn’t know at the time what was happening, the manipulation and control, but I know now and I can’t believe it happened to me. I wept. I had to forgive myself for going through it. It made no sense in my logical mind, but my heart was crying out to be heard, to be seen. To be seen by my own self.
I laid it all out before God, I was honest with myself and I spoke it out loud to one close friend who had walked the journey with me. Self-acceptance freed me that day. Accepting how I felt cleared the way for me to experience deeper healing and profound hope.
What I wanted was to enjoy my life -that night I walked into the dinner party free, forgiven and more whole. More myself. Of course nothing came up about my past, but it wasn’t holding me down in fear or shame.
We all hold a brilliant light. Don’t allow the shadows of the past, self-blame or hatred to dim the light you hold. But rather see the vast beauty of who you really are.
