“Are you married yet?”
The question stung, but it was the first question I imagined she would ask. And it was the first question my sleepless conscious asked.
In my dream, sitting across from me was a wide-eyed, curious, and insecure 20 year-old. 2 days away from turning 21. She was recognizable and unfamiliar. Her eyes weren’t as bright as I remembered them being. She was hiding behind them. Hiding who she is, maybe she has no idea who she is. Maybe her hiding wasn’t hiding, but rather she sat behind an unknown veil of who she is. Not knowing who she was created to be.
I knew the one question she would want to ask her future self. If she could ask her 30 year old self one thing, she would want to know if she were married yet.
She was afraid of the answer and I was afraid to tell her. She would take it as rejection, shame would tell her there was something wrong with her. But I knew it was a gift. The story God had given me to live. Whether the answer were yes or no, it would have no bearing on who I am. But I was still nervous to tell her the answer. No, I am not married yet. Yes, my left hand is void of a ring.
My heart sank.
I didn’t want her to walk into the next 10 years in despair, knowing her deepest dream had yet to be fulfilled. I know she had feared she would be 30 and single. I now know the lie behind the fear, the lie behind the shame. I know because she was me 10 years ago. I was sitting across from my 20 year old self.
…
She waited for an answer.
I wish the answer were different.
The ache of not being married yet does not go away. But peace does grow deeper, it fills the places devastated and hope still beats as God carries you, and sustains you. You will go through rejection and your heart will break deeper than you ever imagined it could break- without ceasing to beat all together. You will think you found it a couple of times, but God will show you differently.
In a few years, you’ll find yourself face down on your apartment floor. Crying the saltiest of tears. You’ll be 3,000 miles away from anything you know and anyone you love. You’ll be lonely and you’ll wrestle with God. But you’ll hear him ask you the most important question He has ever asked you:
”If I never bring you the man I choose for you to marry, would I still be enough for you?”
This question will change everything. Your answer will be regrettable, but redeemable. You will answer back with an ugly, yet honest prayer,
“No. You wouldn’t be. I know in my head you are, but in my heart I want to be married more than I want you. I wish that wasn’t the case, because I want you to be enough regardless. Help me to get there.”
Over time, God will become more than enough. He led you up to this point, but when faced with the honesty of how you felt, God began to show you first hand the depths of his love. And it is enough. He is enough.
You’ve spent the last 20 something years of your life fighting the lie - you are not enough. Not smart enough, not good enough to accomplish anything, not beautiful enough to be chosen, not entertaining or outgoing enough to be seen, not qualified enough to make an impact for the Kingdom of God. But in that moment, in the middle of your apartment floor in the middle of Washington State, you will experience God in such a way you will realize you are not enough and that is ok. You are enough because Jesus is enough and He became enough for you more than you ever dreamed He could be.
So, no. You are not married, yet. And it will still ache at times and you’ll be disappointed. But God will carry you through those moments and He will give your soul a peace to hope for the man He has chosen for you.
In the meantime, you’ll see corners of the world you never imagined you’d be able to see. You’ll live in some incredible places and meet even more incredible people. You will live a life worth telling because no matter the case, you chose God.
There will be 2 consistencies: God's love and your family's support. They’ll become your best friends, God and your family.
Don’t allow anyone to shame you against your family. They are your family, your support. The shaming is a mere manipulation tactic, a way to keep you controlled, but you will be rescued. You, nor your family, are who or what the lies are accusing you to be. Truth will always fight for you, truth will always prevail and truth is always revealed. Maybe not as soon as we want it to be, but the truth about people and situations are always revealed at the exact time it needs to be.
And by the way, when you meet him, run. Run as fast and far as you can. But if you don’t, you won’t see anything. Even though your head is up and your eyes open, you wont see any reason to run. Not yet. But you will. And it won't be too late.
You didn’t know the truth before it all began, but truth will come back swinging in your defense. Truth will knock out all of the deception that tried to suffocate who you are until you were gone.
You don't know this about yourself yet, but you are strong. Stronger than you will ever give yourself credit for. You are worth fighting for. You have a creative, smart and beautiful mind. You'll eventually learn failure isn’t defined the way you see it. Failure is staying when God says go, going when God says stay, refusing trust where he blindly leads. And you are not a failure.
You'll be abused for being true to yourself, but God fights for you. He always fights for you; keep your face and heart toward Him. Trust yourself. Your intuition is Jesus in you. If you misinterpret your "gut feeling" -that's ok too. The good news is Jesus is bigger and you won't mess up anything. Keep your face and heart toward Jesus and your wrong turns won't be wrong, your misguided thoughts will lead you back to Jesus, your mistakes won't be mistakes- they'll be points of strength God will use in the story He is weaving.
10 years down the road… nothing will look the way you imagined. It’ll be hard; it'll also be celebratory. You’ll be living where and how you were meant to live. You’ll be free of others expectations, words, free to be who you were created to be. You’ll struggle with those things, but they won't own you or suppress you.
Take courage. Be brave.
When he chooses someone else, it doesn't mean you are not enough. There is nothing wrong with you. When she forgets & isn't there for you like you had hoped, it doesn't mean you are forgettable. When he betrays you & you feel the deepest pain you could ever imagine possible, it doesn't mean you are not lovable. Those moments are the moments Jesus becomes more than a man in the Bible. He's been chosen over, forgotten, betrayed. He gets it. Don't cry alone. Cry with Him.
The people who come after you with bitter words like arrows- forgive them. Most of them are just as deceived as you were. Doesn’t make it ok, just helps to extend grace. The ones who use you, abuse you, try to take your life from you- forgive them too. It’s worth it. It releases the power they want to have over you and God will stand before you and behind you.
And the writing you do to clear your mind, to process your thoughts, to dream dreams. Turns out God longs to use that in ways I am just now experiencing. It’s exhilarating and revitalizing. He will bring people beside you to execute your dreams, who believe in you and who will propel you to write for more people than you could dream of at 20 years old.
…
my mind reeled of all the things I wanted to tell her. To warn her. To tell her stories of the exciting adventures, the new family members and friends, the places you’ll go and see. I wanted to spill the next 10 years out in front of her because I knew-in spite of the disappointment of her first question being a no-she is graced to live the most breathtaking life with stunning people and see awe-inspiring corners of the world.
There was one more question I knew she wanted to ask. One more I would have wanted to ask my future self:
“Is there anything you regret? Anything I should know about ahead of time, so, maybe I can avoid the regret?”
This question was harder to answer.
to be cont...
--- come back next week for my answer and thoughts on regret.
