“Is there anything you regret? Anything I should know about ahead of time, so, maybe I can avoid the regret?”

This question was harder to answer. I sat across from her and then my eyes opened. I woke from the dreamlike state and stared at the ceiling. Remembering the dream I had- telling my younger self what to expect in the next 10 years. Answering her first question, “Are You Married Yet?”

How would I answer this question to my younger self walking into her 20’s? I wondered if I did regret anything.

Regret can feel a lot like guilt, remorse, and shame. We can either experience regret or live in regret. The difference between the two makes all the difference. There are a lot of things I wish I didn’t do, choices I hadn’t made, roads I shouldn’t have walked. Some of those, I knew the moment my feet hit the pavement I should have turned around. Others are now only seen through hindsight vision.

Experiencing regret is an experience most of us feel often. From regretting the extra donut or regretting waking up next to someone you don't know. Guilt can act like a magnet, dragging us into our pasts with a shameful pull so hypnotic it may feel like we have no other choice. Reliving our mistakes, punishing ourselves for the wrongs we’ve done or even the wrong committed against us. Not believing we deserve another way, a better way, a way beyond the choices we’ve made. The shameful pull labels us and it causes us to live in regret.

Regret as an emotion isn't wrong or condemning. Regret as a lifestyle is overpowering and suppressing. Regret is also powerless.

It only has the power we allow it to have. But it has no power to change the past or to change an outcome or consequence. We give regret too much credit. The power we give it only chokes us until our lives don’t breathe hope. Until our vision is only on what has been and then our dreams die of what could be.

Regret can blind us to think we can make any decision because grace covers all. Which it does. What regret won’t tell you is after it has blinded you, it will only allow you to see what it has done. Reigning over you without being elected, keeping you stuck in a decision gone wrong. Manipulating you with its guilt, shame and remorse.

Shame says you’re not worth a better future; truth is you’re worth more than any amazing future could give you. Shame says you’re damaged goods; truth says God’s goodness and love can follow you all the days of your life.

So, looking back 10 years ago. Is there is anything I regret?

The answer would have to be yeah, there is. I have plenty of regrets over the years. By the grace of God, what I have learned is to not live in those regrets, not allowing them to label me or my future. There would be pieces of my story I would not want to relive and pieces of it I would love to have a re-do. But if I stayed in those pieces- I would never be able to see the breathtaking mosaic God is creating with all my pieces.

I would never be able to see God take each of those regrettable moments to bring hope to girls who do live in regret or who are at the brink of choosing a regrettable road. To bring healing out of the wounds God has healed in me. To be able to look at a girl who has been battered, bruised and abused and say you are strong, you are worth it and you are enough because Jesus is enough. To look at that girl and reassure her that she did nothing to deserve the pain handed to her, nothing to merit the wrong.

Every bleeding wound has the opportunity to be the tourniquet for someone else's wound.

I've bled tears while I regret trying to fit the mold put before me, not accepting who I am sooner, not walking in the confidence of how God made me.

I regret every moment I looked in the mirror and wish I saw a different reflection. A reflection that had no chance to measure up to the one looking back at her. A reflection not skinny or beautiful enough. A reflection always seeing something to change or wanting something altered.

I regret not doubting God WITH God. For ignoring the questions that plagued me: was He really good? Does He really have my best interest in mind? Is He holding something back, waiting for me to get it right before He gave me something good?

I regret trying to prove I was enough. To God, to people, to myself.

If I had walked in the confidence of who God made me to be, I wouldn't have spend all those nights drunk in college. I wouldn't have wanted to try and prove I was fun, outgoing, the life of the party. I would have accepted my reserved, introvert, dry wit and fun personality.

If I had doubted God with God, instead of turning away from Him, I wouldn't have dated the guys I knew I had no business being with.

If I had not hated how I looked, I would have put myself out there more to do the things I love. I would have not hid behind vanity or style, but expressed myself with style.

Suffocating guilt and pushing yourself out from under the pressure of living in regret, isn’t an easy process. But it is a possible process. I would do a lot of things different knowing what I know now. But knowing what I knew in those moments, I’d do it all the same. So, maybe my 20-something self would listen, would re-do it so I wouldn’t have to go through the process of suffocating guilt, so that guilt doesn't suffocate me. But if she doesn’t listen or see through my hindsight vision, God is still good and still restores.

There is purpose in each journey. And if I could tell my 20 year old self something I would tell her: You are remarkably you and one day you'll believe that so much so the lies become eclipsed by the celebration of the story God handpicked for you.

The best stories are full of brokenness, restoration and overcoming when the odds are stacked against you. And you, we, were graced with a story filled with brokenness that gave way to beauty and strength. And that is worth celebrating.