I’ve been in an internal battle for months now. How am I going to "re-launch" this blog? What do I want with this? I had to take a step back and realize a couple of things… I wasn’t being me and I was trying too hard. Too hard to be a “blogger” or even trying to NOT be a blogger. Too hard to say what I thought wanted to be heard. I had to shake myself out of it and get back to doing what I love which is writing for the sake of writing. Writing for the love of words.

I read other people’s words and I got insecure about my own. I saw what other people were doing and I started getting dissatisfied with what I’m doing. I saw other people’s dreams and I forgot my own.

Pursuing something. Fighting for something. It’s hard. There are a thousand other people doing it bigger and better. It takes energy to stay focused and it takes a fight to get what you want. I felt stuck. Between the dreams I felt excited to walk into and the question... what if I can’t?

I’ve been wrestling with the tension of vulnerability in writing. The tension that is pushing me beyond myself. A better version of myself. But that's what I want... vulnerability.

The writers and stories that are contagious and intoxicating to me are the ones that are vulnerable. The ones where we can see ourselves in the stories and be inspired to overcome and be better versions of ourselves.

We all crave to be this hyped up word, vulnerable. Maybe we don’t all want it because it is scary, kind of like dangling yourself over an edge wondering if something or someone will catch you. But deep down there is something within us that in intrigued and enticed by the notion of allowing who we truly are to be seen.

Why does is still feel like there is a void of genuineness while we are seemingly pursuing vulnerability?

What does it really look like to be vulnerable?

I think there is a common misconception surrounding vulnerability. People can tend to push others to say what’s going on, what's happening. Divulge the details and tell us what happened. Vulnerability is not telling the world what happened, but it's telling the world who we are. I think we all can be better being vulnerable. I don’t think it’s something that anyone has arrived at, it's a process.

There is a healthy and inspiring way to be vulnerable through words or through deeds. And I think it all comes in allowing ourselves to be known and not allowing what we have done or not done- or what has been done to us- to speak louder than who we are. We hide behind our stories and we hide behind events. They become our masks.

Stories are powerful. There is nothing I love more than sharing mine or hearing others share theirs. But a story filled with events and no true reveal of who the story is even about… that story is dull and flat.

A powerful story is a story of someone who overcomes to get what they want, they choose to love or fight in spite of their self doubt. Events can create climatic tension, but what we are really wondering in the middle of tension is how will the person overcome, who are they going to be once this tension is over?

I recently watched all of the Star Wars movies and The Lord of the Rings trilogy for the first time. Now… I know you either love me for mentioning this or shaking your head with maybe an eye roll in there. And I don’t blame either of you. But regardless where you stand on these movies or books or sci-fi in general, it's hard to argue that Star Wars and The Lord of the Rings are not two of the best stories ever told. I am not naturally drawn to these types of movies, hence why I had yet to see them regardless of the cinematic buzz. But I wanted to see the stories for myself. And I started from the beginning.

Both set of movie series stirred something within me. It had nothing to do with the ring and it had nothing to do with the force.

It was the triumph over an inner fight or turmoil. It was the unseen one becoming the hero. The hero has to know who they are, who they are capable of becoming in order to overcome the circumstances. In these movies- in order to accomplish the task- both heroes had to become better men, humble men, and fighters. And most importantly... they embraced who they were in order to become who they wanted to be.

Sure, situations and circumstances reveal a lot about who we are and sometimes those things are really great to share. We can find healing by sharing stories and seeing how someone walked through a similar situation. We are inspired when we can see ourselves in someone else’s story, regardless if the circumstances are different. If we can see ourselves in the emotions, the doubts, the fears, the hope and when they are overcome… we begin to take a step in believing. Maybe I could too.

Being known and loved is the most powerful way God connects with us and us with other people. Letting my true self be seen is hard. Especially through writing. There is an underlying fear whispering, “it won't be as good as everyone else's.” Some days the whisper is more like an open fire hydrant aiming for my soul, pouring the fear in with force. I fight harder those days and I let the people around me in to help me fight. I choose vulnerability more those days.

I fight to live out vulnerability and in turn I'm fighting to write through vulnerability from this blog on. Whether I feel like it's true or not in every moment, I do trust at the end of it all, God will walk me to the other side better, stronger.

And who knows, maybe even be the one who gets to destroy the ring or the one who saves the galaxy.

“Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity. It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability, and authenticity. If we want greater clarity in our purpose or deeper and more meaningful spiritual lives, vulnerability is the path.” -Brene Brown

photo cred: Mary Caroline Russell